The Wowcher Guide to The Apprentice


Hallelujah! Rejoice! We’ve been waiting in anticipation all year, and now the time has finally come – Halloween can take a hike, and any talk of Christmas can get lost, because this, my friends is Apprentice season. That’s right, it’s the time for shameless boasts, even more shameless boardroom showdowns and of course the obligatory and completely unnecessary aerial shots of London landmarks. So as another set of hopeful candidates march along bridges and stand on escalators looking with anger in their eyes and impossibly small suitcases in their hands, what can we expect from this season? Well first let’s start with the casualties so far…

Week One

The first episode saw the teams try to make and flog their own handmade burgers, which I’m both shocked and amazed didn’t bring half of London to its knees with food poisoning. Although if you’re prepared to buy cut price meat from some slightly panicky looking stranger in the street then you deserve what’s coming to you. This was pretty standard fare for the opening episode – a bunch of headless chickens trying to get noticed above the gaggle through sheer noise alone (I honestly had to turn the volume down on my TV at one point). As Project Manager, lovely blokey geezer Danny Grant was deemed the worst out of a bad bunch and was quickly given the chop by Lord Sugar, poor fella.

Quote of the week: (Elizabeth to Lord Sugar) ‘I had my hands in that meat. And I mixed it.’’

Week Two

Next up was the task where teams Graphine and Vitality (the candidates really out-cringed themselves with the names this year) had the job of both creating concepts and redesigning a swanky hotel room in two days – a task so wonderfully unfeasible it would have been impossible for the most rational and level-headed among us, let alone this bunch of weirdos. As expected, the final results looked like it had been vomited straight out of an old Changing Rooms episode. The boys managed to make their British-themed room look even more garish and tacky than you already knew it would be, and the girls created some wallpaper which looked more like a microscopic view of some frogspawn than a golf ball. This week we said goodbye to the business analyst, the break-dancer, the legend, that is Jeff Wan, whose grips on the finances weren’t up to scratch (which is pretty unfortunate when that’s your day job).

Quote of the week: (Michaela about Bushra) ‘’She’s a bell**d.’’


Week Three

Week three saw the teams build their own robots, in which the losing team’s managed to be both useless and patronising; snippily reminding people when to take their pills whilst at the same time getting its own name wrong in what seemed like a massive identity crisis. Despite winning the task, the mood on team Graphine seemed to turn genuinely more and more sour as the episode went on, the cherry on the top being a particularly emotional ‘stop laughing at me’ tantrum from Siobhan.  The casualty this week was ‘Tory Boy’ Eliot Van Emden, whose attempt at sliding through the first few episodes unnoticed by doing pretty much naff all backfired miserably.

Quote of the week: (Elizabeth to shopowner) ‘’People can play with it – you can pick it up, you can put it down’’

Week Four

Episode four saw the teams host a corporate box at Wembley Stadium for a group of ‘high-end’ clients – which team Vitality heard as ‘people who love cheesy snacks and even cheesier singalongs’. Bless Harrison’s heart – he tried hard, but his rendition of ‘My Way’ really was the ultimate in car-crash telly, even the guests felt so sorry for him they felt the need to finish the song for him. Overspending on the wine saw the end of Siobhan who for me was a shock elimination, purely because her incredible ability to create arguments and take offence at absolutely everyone was pure TV gold. And say what you like about her, but she definitely deserves some sympathy for being victim of one of the most awkward, non-consensual hugs I’ve ever seen on television.

Quote of the week: (Harrison about singing) ‘’I’ve sung in the shower to myself and now I’m singing at Wembley Stadium at the FA Cup Finals. So yeah, it is a bit odd.’’

Week Five

So last week we finally had the shopping episode, where the candidates had to find and buy a load of random objects in honour of Alan Sugar’s birthday. This task is an absolute classic, and sure enough, the things that happen every single year happened yet again this time round – cue lots of maps flying around, frantic running up and down London streets and everybody forgetting that shock horror – there does tend to be a lot of traffic in a capital city. This task is all about the hustling, and poor sulky teenager Ross sadly wasn’t up to the job – although he seemed so totally done with the entire process from day one anyway. Lord Sugar wished him luck in the future – which is presumably going home to eat pop-tarts in his pants.

Quote of the week: (Bushra about Elizabeth) ‘’She’s an uncontrollable, unprofessional cartoon character’’

So far, so brilliant – bring on next week.