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Wowcher’s Guide To: Enjoying the World Cup (At Home)

Not one England supporter visible – they must be watching the final…

So you didn’t get tickets to Brazil this summer? That’s fine – neither did Zlatan Ibrahimović, Gareth Bale or Samir Nasri. There’s no point getting your knickers in a twist, Samir – just admit that you’re not quite meant for the bright lights of construction sites, and make sure you get the most out of the World Cup at home!

Rather than spending 90 minutes staring at the back of someone’s head or peering through the fabric of one of those massive flags, why not get yourself a HD TV and speaker system? Substitute vuvuzelas and tambourines with the dulcet tones of Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend in stunning HD quality.

We’re also going to need something safer and more stable than the stands of a half-built stadium. Forget clambering around the telescopic boom of a hydraulic crane to see fat Frank pile drive one into row Z, because we’ve got plenty of beanbags and sofa beds for you and the whole World Cup watching team.

With kick-off times as late as 11pm and the fact that Henderson and Jones have been included in the England squad, you might have a few heavy eyelids. That’s where the cinema sofa bed comes in handy! One crying England fan in a bed is more than enough, so make sure you’re evenly spread out around the house. You may even want to invest in an ’anti-snore’ device, as we all know lager has the potential to turn people into grunting farmyard animals.

The first step to enjoying a World Cup match is knowing who is playing, followed closely behind by knowing which team is which. For those in need, this should help!

The first step to enjoying a World Cup match is knowing who is playing, followed closely behind by knowing which team is which. For those in need, this handy kit guide should help!

Let’s imagine (bear with us…) that England qualify from Group D, or don’t all collapse from heat stroke in fixture number one – you’re going to want to celebrate! Why not have a mini carnival in your front room without the danger of fireworks and pickpockets? Alternatively, take the party outdoors, put up your parasols, and relax with the help of some Rattan garden furniture and turn your patio into a rodizio. After the recent removal of 2.6kg of food from the England hotel due to it being ‘unfit for consumption’, you would be forgiven for preferring a healthy George Foreman family grill in your kitchen to stadium hot dogs. Grill some Ricky Lamb-burgers and fill your Leighton Buns with Chiplallanas (other England-themed snacks are available). Certainly beats the out-of-date salmon offered in Rio!

And for the tidy-up, you can always rely on our 2-year supply of bin bags, a Dyson DC25 Special Edition upright vacuum cleaner and 7-in-1 steam-mop deals – if only there was a gigantic mop for the local councils in Brazil, the clean-up process might actually stand some chance of completion. Good luck peeling the sunburnt Brits off the promenade of Copacabana beach.

Finally, C’MON ENG-GER-LAND!