We know that Hollywood romances aren’t necessarily renowned for their longevity (although Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr, who are still going strong 12 years on, would probably disagree), but some recent breakups have had us reaching for the Häagen-Dazs, we must admit. Call us emotional, but the day Gwyneth and Chris consciously uncoupled was a dark, dark day for hopeless romantics everywhere, only made worse when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner decided to call it quits just two months later. Why, Bennifer? Why?!
To get us through this difficult time, we did the only things we could: We gave up on love completely. I mean, if Gwen and Gavin can’t do it, why even bother? But, after a lot of soul searching and a short stint in a convent, we eventually found the answer to curing our vicarious heartache: A good old fashioned haircut! 2015 has seen more splits than the 2012 Olympic gymnastics tournaments, and we are certainly not going to stand about idly when it comes to the precious ones on our heads. We’re talking split ends, ladies!
Always one step ahead of us, Gwyneth is already involved with Blo, helping herself and us regular folk disguise our split ends with the ultimate Hollywood blow dry. As it stands, everyone seems to have come to terms with the sudden conscious uncoupling of the beautiful pair (if you still haven’t, get your tresses down to Blo in Covent Garden), and we can only presume this has everything to do with the blow dry bar and absolutely nothing to do with anything else. With this in mind, we’ve come up with a list of ways to help our fave celeb ex-couples, get over, and get rid of, their splits.
Some splits are messy, out of control and just darned unmanageable. Zayn and Perrie, for example, have been subject to cheating allegations and a whole load more drama. ‘Drama? What drama?’ Glad you asked! One of Perrie’s Little Mix bandmates, Jesy, signalled towards Perrie when singing the line ‘just to help him see what he’s been missing’ at a gig, while Jade held up a sign reading ‘Zayn is irrelevant‘ after a meet and greet. What did we tell you? Drama! Looks like they’re all in need of a Brazilian blow dry from Beauty Box, Marylebone – sure to make any split end smooth and way, way more manageable.
We can’t say that we were entirely surprised when Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick ended their relationship, but that doesn’t make it any less heart-breaking. Kourtney, it has to be said, is absolutely slaying this breakup. Not that we’re insinuating that a breakup is a competition, of course (ahem…), but if it was, Kourtney would have just won gold, and Scott would still be tying up his running shoes. We therefore think it’s Mr Disick who’s in need of a trip to the hairdressers. Scott – why not head to Exquisite Hair and Beauty in Tooting, where you can chop off those split ends (and even get a half-head of highlights should it take your fancy)? Plus, seeing as you seem to fancy a tipple of late, they’ll even throw in a glass of Pimms…
After 13 years of marriage, a simple cut and blow dry just won’t tidy up all straggly ends. Instead, we reckon Gwen Stefani’s ex-bae, Gavin Rossdale, should think about taking a trip to Parkwood Clinic for a six-month hair loss therapy treatment. We assume all these cheating allegations must be rather stressful, and just want Gavin to be prepared should it cause some premature balding. With clinics in Manchester, Birmingham and Glasgow, you can thank us later, Gav.
Perhaps the most devastating break up of 2015 was Kermit and Miss Piggy’s. We’re not for one second implying that Miss Piggy’s superficial (heaven forbid!), but we’ve heard the split could have had something to do with the fact that Kermit was looking a little thin on top. Thankfully, Kermy got wise to this notion and got himself down to FUE Hair Clinics© for a hair transplant, and now things are looking like they’re on the mend! Take note, Gavin…
There’s still one split that we just can’t get over. We’re looking at you Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. We don’t want you to have to cut off your straggly ends, we want you to reconcile your differences and EXTEND your love affair! Sure, there have been cheating allegations, sure there’s been a story about a shady nanny, but the Paparazzi love to spin tales, and we’re hoping that’s exactly what this is. I mean, he’s freakin’ Batman! He would never be so foolish as to get involved with the babysitter, would he? So, we think Jen should get herself down to Hair Replacement Technology, Manchester for a one-day hair extension course to see if that can inspire Jen to extend their relationship. Fingers crossed…
…Let not’s forget, Noah and Ally (from The Notebook, duh) spent years apart before finally reuniting and declaring their love for each other in a rather dramatic and very rainy climax. This reminds us of two things – firstly, Ryan Gosling looks pretty damn good in a wet t-shirt (am I right, ladies?), but secondly (and arguably, more importantly), if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. What we’re trying to say is that even faced with this rather dis-tresses-ing list of Hollywood splits, we are forever hopeful. But please, Hollywood, no more splits this year. Even with a killer haircut, our little hearts can only take so much… #TeamBennifer
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